I'm afraid of failing

Why are my dreams so difficult?

For the first time in a long time, my life is going exactly as I planned on my notion board; I am hitting the milestones exactly on time and seeing the result when I had planned to see it. Of course, this is not all by my doing, God did most of the work.

But that recent success is now crippling me. I am afraid, what if all these successes only lead to one massive failure much later?

The logical part of me is telling me that God is not one of deception and that he makes all things perfect. I know that.

However, the more emotional part of me is worried that I am going to be the root of my failures.

I achieved a milestone by passing my exams three days ago and have taken the three days off to rest and do nothing because I feel like I earned it.

In March, I spent all my time studying. April rolled around, and I spent all my days working. I figured that I had earned the last three days, doing nothing, doom-scrolling, and taking naps.

The part of me rooted so deeply in fear is afraid that this would cause a cycle of laziness; a cycle where I backslide and no longer willing to work on my goals, to continue to see the results that my daily effort has been yielding.

I understand her, I truly do.

But the second side of me, the logical side, who insists that I need rest, is worried about my energy levels and afraid that if I continue to push through without proper rest, I am going to burn out and that burn out is going to cause me to relaspe too badly that there is no coming out of it.

I have recently been reading the book, The Mountain is You, because frankly,y I have seen incredible results by just staying consistent in the first four months of the year and needed to cure my self-sabotaging self.

Unfortunately, the book did not exhort me, but only made me feel sick in my stomach at how I have been the very architect of my failures.

Example: I have an application for which the deadline is rolling around soon, and I have been dragging my feet on completing it, not for any good reason.

It is almost like, at a subconscious level, I am afraid that I have the power to achieve that goal as well, and therefore intentionally sabotaging it.

Waking up this morning, I have decided to take an action everyday that moves a piece on the chessboard to the prize (the queen) because I am learning that life, despite her many up and downs, rewards the most persistent and the most consistent regardless of how imperfect and undeserving we might all think they are.